Uncle Kinda Cute

It was soooooooo difficult to get to My Kinda Cute Petrelli's apartment. First, I had to figure out where the hell that totally bizarre Haitian had taken me in the first place. Like, I was seriously seriously lost. I didn't even know what state I was in. I guess I should have paid more attention in the car, but c'mon my Dad had been blasted in the gut by the freak sitting beside me so I was like, all "Maybe I should be really quiet cause I don't feel like getting shot again (Thanks a lot, mind reader cop person! Next time can you aim somewhere that doesn't leave bloodstain on my designer jeans? Do you know how much begging I had to do to get those?!?!? I had to go to church with my mother and they were all "We're all gifts from God" and I was all "Then what is with my schizo brother Lyle" and I had to totally do Muggles' nails...that Prima Donna, ugh! Mom was all "Baby Birdie Pink doesn't go with Muggles complexion and I was like, "So Street Prostitute red is sooooooo much better?!?!)

N E Wayz! After I figure out what state I was in I had to get my Kinda Cute Petrelli's address. I kept asking people in the street if they knew who My Kinda Cute Petrelli was, but no one had any idea what I was talking about. They were all like "Kinda Cute who?" and I was all like "Petrelli! PETRELLI!" and then some other guy was like "I know a Kinda Cute Thermopolis" and I was all like "Does Thermopolis sound anything like Petrelli" And they were like "Well...yeah." And then I was all like "Oh."

I kept asking around for like hours and hours and hours, but no one knew who Kinda Cute Petrelli was! So then I had a brilliant wonderful, absolutely genius idea: I looked in the Phone Book! And there it was under Petrelli, Kinda Cute. And I was all like "Yay!" and the people by the phone were all like "Whaaaa?' And I was all "N.M... God." So then I took a taxi to the address, but I couldn't pay the driver, cause I was kinda broke cause I hadn't planned on making a trip to New York. ( I totally would have cleaned out my savings account to go shopping on Fifth Av., but with the Dad-shooting, and driving around with a guy who was practically mute, I was kind of out of monetary options) N.E. Wayz, The Driver totally threatened me and then broke my arm as payment, he was like "Dis iz vat ve do in mine country vor teeves." And I was like "Whaaaa....whatever. I'm looking for a Kinda Cute Petrelli so just get it over with." And he did and I left and he was all "Vitch! Vitch" And I was like "Mmm kay, Thanks!"

Then I was finally at My Kinda Cute Petrelli's apartment, so I knocked on the door and this woman open it up and she was all. "Luke, I am your grandmother" and then I heard "French french french french!" And she was all like "French!" and he was all like *French* and I felt all bad when I saw the Haitian standing behind the door. I was like totally confused why my grandmother was at My Kinda Cute Petrelli's apartment but then she was like "Hah! Your Kinda Cute Petrelli is my Darling wonderful child Peter!" And I was all like...."his name's Peter?" and she was all like "Yep." and I was like "Hmmmm...then that makes him My Kinda Cute Uncle Petrelli!" And we all laughed! Well, I laughed. Everyone else just kinda glared.

P.S. Don't forget to vote for me in the Burnt Toast Diner Poetry Contest, cause I worked really, really hard on my poem and I'd hate to lose to my brainwashed father. :-D

I will NEVER be a Vivian....

OMG! I am totally gonna miss the Burnt Toast Diner. Like, the waffles there were the total hotness. My Dad totally sent me away with this Haitian guy who’s all “You must leave the Country, Claire” And I’m all like “No, I want to see that Kinda Cute Peter Petrelli again” and He was all like “No, you really can’t cause you have to be Vivian” And I was all like “No, Vivian is a freaky dork’s name!”

Come on! Vivian? Vivian? It was so horrible that I had to go in the bathroom and started banging my head against the way. You will never know how good blood is as a face Moisturizer. The hydration is insane. The absolutely bestest way to tell when you have enough is when brain matter actually starts dripping down your eyes, then it’s time to rinse. After that autopsy I was covered in it and my skin never felt better, like never ever ever. I was barefoot and naked in the middle of the morgue but my pores were so small.

N.E wayz Who gets a fake name like Vivian? I should totally be like Paris Reid Lohan. And what about Zack?!? Who will he practices his weird Wiccan rituals with? I was seriously his only supply of human blood cause he was absolutely all drama queen about actually cutting himself with a needle and I was all like “OMG, I’ve totally broken my neck before, you sissy!” Every time he wants to call up the wind or some stupid crap like that I have to lose a freakin’ limb and he’s all like “Jeez, it will grow back! Cause you’re little miss miracle grow ha ha ha LOL.” I swear if I hear Ms, Miracle Grow again I will rip one of my arms off and bash someone with it. You will not believe how absolutely sharp a shattered bone can be. I almost totally slit that jerk, Brody’s throat with my pinky toe bone.

So, the Haitian guy is like “Get on the plane, Claire, ugh, I mean Vivian, God *French that I really don’t understand* and I’m like “I totally wanna check out that fab necklace you have cause I’ve seen that freaky deaky symbol everywhere” And he was like “French French French, okay but you’re still totally getting on that plane cause the mysterious phone person said that you had to and I don’t argue with the mysterious voice. Don’t make me *French, French, French French* you” And I was like “Oh my god! Testy much!?!!??!?! And then he was all like “I haven’t taken an exam in years” and then I was so like “Got your passport!” And he was like “ I really have to go with that mischievous little blond because she’s totally my daughter, Mr. Security man with a huge gun, here let me fondle your head” And I was totally like “See you later, I have to find my Kinda Cute Petrelli cause he’s the only one who could possibly understand being a freak like me even though you suck thoughts out of people’s brain, My Kinda Cute Petrelli is the only one who will every understand the agony and angst of being me!”